Monday, April 11, 2016

Dumpster Diving: Batman & Robin

My friends and I at Field of Geeks (click on the link to the side) recently did some movie commentary on the 1997 disaster, Batman & Robin.  As you can imagine, we had an amazing time being able to review a movie that shows us that life just is not fair.  It showed us that Satan had a strong grip on Hollywood.  It also showed us that Alicia Silverstone's mole was there one second, and gone the next. 

If you are like me, and pray that you aren't, you love comic book movies.  As a comic book fan, it stands to reason that I am part of the target audience, right?

Proof that we are not deserving of nice things.
Not with Batman & Robin.  My sources tell me that the target audience for this film was the Ik'Scctey, and evil alien race who is hell-bent on destroying planets for their natural resources.  Below is an excerpt of my interview with said source.

Steve: I understand that the film was actually commissioned by the government, is that correct?

Source: Right you are, Steve.  You have to understand, we, as a nation, were at the height of the Spice Girls' popularity, and we were all just tired after the Lewinsky thing.  Batman & Robin was our way to commit planetary suicide.

Steve: So then why are we still here?  What happened?

Source: The Ik'Scctey warlords thought Alicia Silverstone was cute.

So there it is, ladies and gentlemen.  Straight from my fictional source's mouth.

If you have NOT seen this film, save yourself.  If you have, you'll recall the therapy you have gone through to try and quiet the night terrors.  You might also recall Uma Thurman breathing on people a lot.

George Clooney actually takes the blame for this.  While that is gracious, it is not his fault.  There is so much blame to go around, from Warner Brothers straight down to the caterer.

As a serious film-reviewer (of which I am not, I like some pretty terrible movies), I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the good with the bad.  So without further delay, the best part of the movie?

We did not have to endure the death of Thomas and Martha Wayne for the 400th time.  That is absolutely one thing the movie got right.  We know all about it.  Same with Spider-Man.  We know he was bitten by a radioactive spider.  I was bitten by a radioactive spider once, and all I got out of it was 6 months of chemotherapy.

Rating: One out of five George Clooney head bobs.

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